grieving – Buzz from B

It’s been a year without my Dad, my no.1 fan, accent partner in crime, curry house companion, fellow musical enthusiast and America adventure buddy. It’s been a whole rollercoaster of emotions and it’s a constant battle. Some days I simply feel like the world is against me and don’t want to get out of bed and others I feel like I have to appreciate every minute because life’s too short.

Most of all, in this year of turmoil, I would like to think I’ve learned a few things so here they are in the hope that even if just one of these can make a difference to your life I might have done something right today.

1. Tell the people you love that you love them

You can never say this enough and sometimes we can assume that the people we care about know this, but it never hurts to remind them.

2. A problem shared really is a problem halved

It’s so easy to bottle things up and think that you are a burden or that it won’t make a difference, but it does. Offloading can take the weight of your shoulders and help your friends to better understand what you are going through and how to help.

3. Live your life

Each day is a new opportunity to go out and change the world. Don’t be afraid to live, no one ever says on their deathbed that they wished they’d worked more.

4. No regrets

Following on from no. 3, you only get one chance so don’t let fear stop you from trying the things you’ve always wanted to

5. Don’t take family for granted

You might not have chosen your family and I’m sure they get on your nerves a fair bit but it pretty much always comes from a place of love and it’s so easy to take for granted how much they have done for you and often sacrificed to put you first

6. Show your pride

If you are proud of an achievement, own it! If you are proud of a friend or family member, tell them! Chances are you and they have worked bloody hard for it and there’s no shame in that.

7. Capture memories

When you lose someone it can feel like you’ll forget the best times and whilst I’m sure you won’t, there’s nothing wrong with some visual reminders to bring those memories to life and hold onto close to you.

8. Forgive

Life is too short to hold a grudge or to hate so why waste time letting it consume you.

9. Sometimes time with friends is all the therapy you need

I know we’ve all made plans and then regretted it when the time has come to follow through if we’re a bit tired or something, but I think sometimes we underestimate the power of a chat and giggle with friends! Sometimes just a lunch with friends has brightened my week and made me feel worlds better.

10. Appreciate

Even when you lose someone so dear to you or in general when in life something goes wrong, there are still so many good things to appreciate. It can be so easy to let the bad things outweigh the good and turn your mindset straight to negative but don’t forget the good things!

B x

I’ve ummed and ahed about writing this because everyone is different so I have no idea if this is even helpful but I haven’t blogged in a long time and even if this helps just one person, it’s worth it.

Losing my Dad was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, we were so close and not a day goes by when I don’t have a bit of a wobble when I remember I can’t pick up the phone and tell him what’s on my mind.

My Dad was probably the person I told the most things to, whether it was asking for advice or just wanted to tell him a funny story about a night out so every time something little in my life happens, even if it is simply watching a good movie, I remember that he’s not here to hear about it and it is so easy to feel alone. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are lots of people out there who care about me but it can be easy to forget.

From my experience, these things can make a real difference:

Don’t be too scared of not knowing what to say that you don’t say anything at all

So many people are petrified of saying the wrong thing but most people would rather you tried and made an effort even if it upsets us as it shows you care rather than trying to just put it behind you when unfortunately we can’t.

Check in

It is hard for someone grieving to just pop up to a friend to tell you they’ve had a shit day and need someone to talk to but if you make the effort to ask them, it gives them the option to tell you that actually today’s been a bad day and then you are actually in a position to help.

A picture speaks 1000 words

One of my best friends sends me cute dog videos every few days and they never fail to put a smile on my face. Sometimes it can be hard to know what to say but I guarantee a cute dog pic goes a long way.

Get creative

One of the most loving and heart-warming things someone did for me after my Dad died was write me a song. Kez wrote a beautiful song for me about being there for me and that my Dad was watching over me. Listening to the lyrics made such a difference as well as knowing someone cared about me enough to write it for me.

Allow for the fact their life has been severley altered

They have just lost someone really important to them, they are not going to be that bundle of joy you know them to be all the time and sometimes they may cancel plans because they don’t feel up to socialising so be patient and accommodate these changes where you can. Even though one part of the day they may be their usual self, it doesn’t mean they have felt like that all day.

There’s no expiry date on grieving

A lot of people may message in the first few weeks but in my experience I’ve found it’s got harder as days go on as it actually starts to become more of a reality. The many people that were there at the start have moved on with their lives and but your friend will still be struggling so please stick around for them.

Give them something to look forward to

It might just be me but having a day out or holiday in the calendar gives me some motivation to work towards as it reminds me there are still things in life to be enjoyed and when I have bad days I can think I know I have good times ahead. A change of scenery can be really refreshing as well.

Evenings can be the hardest time

It’s easier during the day to stay distracted and there are more people are around but in the evening, it can be easy to let your mind wonder and think about the things that happened over the course of the day that you may have struggled with or your loved one would have wanted to hear about. So, as a friend, make a conscious effort to suggest evening plans or drop a message asking about their day when you can.

Share memories

Please talk to your friend about their loved one, sharing memories may evoke some tears but it reminds us that they’re still in everyone’s hearts and never going to be forgotten.

Tag: grieving

1 year on